Saturday, June 27, 2015

Well, here we are...

I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now on the five dimensions of ambient conditions. I'm procrastinating. I doesn't take much to distract me...

My boyfriend and I broke up about a month and a half ago. It sucks, but it's cool. It needed to happen. It's been needing to happen for several years now. We dated for six years, broke up and got together a bunch of times. We'd usually break up for a month or so, then he'd contact me. Soon after that we'd be back to trying it out, giving it another chance. No more chances. It needs to be over. I can't describe how much I miss him, how much I want to see him and talk to him. But I can't. Because if I do, it'll start the entire cycle again.

I dreamt about him last night. It was a weird dream. He'd dyed his hair blonde and tinted his eyebrows to match. He has black hair. He looked like a Ken doll with his hair colored blonde. And he acted differently; he was cold towards me, but not dismissive. Like he was on the defensive or something. Anyways, he texted me this afternoon for the first time since we broke up almost two months ago. My stomach's in knots. I told him not to contact me when we broke up this final time - I made him promise! And he made me promise that if he did give in and tried to contact me, that I wouldn't respond. How unfair is that?

His message was short; just a simple "Hey, I know you probably don't want to hear from me. I hope you are well and everything is good on your side."

I can't reply. I can't reopen the lines of communication. It would be utterly stupid for me to put myself through this again. I love him, oh I love him so much! But time will make it fade and eventually go away. I'll forget, and I'll meet someone who loves me for who I am, and who wants to grow old with me. It'll happen. I just need the strength not to reply back.