Sunday, April 6, 2014

Vision board

Yoga inspiration

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Clu navy tank
$35 - anotherlove.com.au

H M clothing
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Home decor
saffronmarigold.com

Dream board

Friday, September 27, 2013

Just fizzle already!

I went almost the entire day without thinking about him yesterday.
But as I was leaving work, walking to the stairway to the underground parking garage, I absentmindedly thought to myself, “Wow, I didn’t think about Sinbad all day today”. And then, as soon as that thought formulated, he was all I could think about again.
I thought about just stupid randomness. About how I loved seeing him in a suit, and how good he looked in jeans. I thought about his smile, his hair, his jaw, his nose...
It went pretty much went like this: from the time I realized I hadn’t thought about him all day, every time I saw another man I’d compare some attribute. Sinbad’s hair was nicer. He wore a suit better. He was better put together. And then from there I started thinking about some of the times we spent together. And I started wondering what he was up to…

A lot of times, relationships end because they’ve fizzled out, or because one person thought the grass might be greener on the other side. That didn’t happen with us. I was happy with the color of our grass. I liked our grass. I would’ve gladly kept watering our grass for years and years to come.

I need to keep reminding myself that this was the right decision.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Lost cause

Ten days.
It’s been ten days since the night Sinbad and I broke up. Officially. Because, technically it’s more like 17 days. But that’s not official, because we didn’t say it then. We both knew it though, I think.
Does it even matter? Counting doesn’t change the fact that it happened. I wish this was easier.
Saturday October 11, 2008. That was the day we met. Well, technically, it was actually really, really early on the Sunday morning… Thinking back to that night, I feel this sadness. Nostalgia. Who would’ve thought we’d be here, five years later…?

We talked last night. On the phone. I’m not sure why. It didn’t change anything. It just made me sadder. I hate knowing that this is it. I’ll never see him again. Our paths will probably never cross again, why would they? He wants to stay friends, but I can’t. There’s no way I can “get over him” and move on if he’s still in my life. I don’t want to know when he starts dating someone else. I don’t want to know that he’s happy with someone else. I mean, I hope it happens. I hope he finally meets someone who will calm his soul. But I don’t want to know about it. I don’t want to know because I thought that person was me.

Time heals. One day I’ll look back at this time in my life, and I’ll think I made the right decision. It’ll get easier.


Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Compromise

I like compromise.
It’s fair. Democratic. You find a middle ground that you can both live with, and everyone walks away feeling warm and fuzzy. And who doesn’t like feeling warm and fuzzy…?

Things got to the point, between Sinbad and me, there was no more compromise. We hit a wall. It sucks. We didn’t fight, we didn’t grow apart. We love each other; we’re just in different places in life. For a while that was okay. For a while I didn’t mind putting off my goals.
The compromise was we wouldn’t discuss moving in together, getting married and starting a family until he was ready.
That sounds very one sided, and unfair to him. He’s not here to tell his side of the story, after all. I guess the compromise was we’d stay in a loving relationship, and support each other, I’d have to wait a little longer for him to want to take the next step and he’d have to think about taking that next step a little sooner.
It sounds really dumb now that I write it down. But I guess when you love someone you’re willing to make sacrifices…

I don’t begrudge him for not wanting what I want. It’s just the way it is. I had hoped he would catch up to me, but he didn’t. He won’t, not any time soon. He’s just not ready. And as much as I love him, I can’t wait for him forever. It’s not fair of me to try to pressure him, and it’s not fair of him to want me to wait indefinitely. So it’s over.

I wish the heart would listen to logic.

Monday, September 16, 2013

Five-year plan

I’m lying when I say I don’t have a five-year plan.
I do have one, it’s just not realistic.

If I could dictate my future it would look like this:

I’d finish paying off my loan, and I would enroll in a part-time Masters program, to start next September.
I’d have my Masters completed by the age of 35. That’s a bit later than I would’ve liked, but it’s my own fault for not getting on that sooner…

I would start a new job next year. Ya, I know, it’s not ideal to take on a new job while I’m in the middle of studying for my Masters. But I’m confident  I can do it.
I don’t see myself staying at this company forever. Don’t get me wrong; I like my job. I like my employer, I like my co-workers – but I feel like I’ve worked myself into a corner. I’ve been typecast. There’s nowhere for me to go. And it bothers me that I’m not allowed to use an ounce of creativity here. The brand guidelines are so strict; I have ZERO rope when it comes to template and design. I can’t stay in a job that doesn’t give me opportunity to move up, and doesn’t let me use all my skills and live up to my full potential. So new job it is. Hopefully the MBA will open up some doors for me.

My boyfriend and I would move in together in a year and a half.
Yes, the boyfriend I don’t have. The one I broke up with Saturday night.
I prefaced by saying my plan wasn’t realistic, remember…?
So, summer of 2015 we’d get a little place together. I’d be 34 then, at a new job and finishing up my MBA.

Sinbad and I would probably have a couple of ugly fights along the way. It’s never easy when two grown people, set in their way, decide to share a space.
(Oh, I’m calling my now-ex-boyfriend “Sinbad” because, even tho I doubt he’ll ever read this, he’s a private person and I don’t want to violate that.)
So, we’d have a couple of fights, but it’d be fine because we love each other, and it’s better to let it all out than to hold it in.

A year later Sinbad and I would get married.
Something small. Maybe a destination wedding? It doesn’t matter, as long as we’re happy, healthy and together.
And then about a year later we’d have our first child. I’d be 36.
We might need to move to a slightly bigger place at that point – I’m told playpens take up a lot of room. But we’d figure it out…

There it is. My 5 year plan, in 4 years.
Too bad I can’t dictate my future like that.